Christmas Horoscope
Aquarius
Your sign means ‘water bearer’. Which is just as well when old Uncle Henry drops his post-prandial cheroot and accidentally sets fire to the curtains. Happy Christmas!
Pisces
The Full Moon arrives in your house of dreams a week on Sunday. Annoying but you save a fortune in electricity.
Aries
You hold the key to the meaning of life. Unfortunately you lost it on the way home from the office Christmas party. Your neighbours have a spare but they’re skiing in St Moritz until after the New Year. Unlucky.
Taurus
Your spiritual health now has high priority. Sadly this won’t prevent you developing flu which sees you restricted to bed from Christmas Eve through to New Year’s Day. On the bright side, a good excuse not to eat any Brussels Sprouts.
Gemini
With the moon in its ascendancy now is the time to start exploring possibilities for ringing in 2026 in a distant metropolis, perhaps even on another continent. More likely, Penicuik.
Cancer
If you haven’t already done so now is the time to start exploring possibilities of doing your Christmas shopping.
Leo
A combination of poor handwriting and failing eyesight results in the family pulling apart Ritz Cheese Crackers at the Christmas dinner table while shouting ‘bang’. Epic fail.
Virgo
Mars will move into your communication zone during the third week of the month. Bear this in mind before you contact your network provider to complain about reduced upload speeds on your internet connection.
Libra
A number of planets are changing signs (and directions) putting you at cross-purposes with your original plans, so it’s vital to remain open to last-minute changes. Lothian Buses have published a special timetable for the festive period so I’d advise consulting that for further details.
Scorpio
An awkward psychotherapy / psausauges scenario unfolds while shopping for Christmas dinner. After using regression therapy on the butcher your request for half a pound of chipolatas is taken as an insult and you only avoid the police being involved by promising never to darken his door again.
Sagittarius
Lunar forces are pulling you in competing directions and you find it hard to concentrate on the matter at hand. Two helpings of figgy pudding washed down with some generously sized glasses of mulled wine should ease the pain at least until tomorrow morning.
Capricorn
Gra- gra- gra- gra- Grandmaster Flash cuts so on; his zodiac sign is Capricorn. Any questions?